OK. If you happen to be in a delicate emotional state and are propping yourself up with a magical belief that–if you just close your eyes and wish hard enough–everything will change, you may way want to pass on this installment, in which I take words of wisdom gathered from sacred traditions, self-help gurus, and Facebook kitten/Willy Wonka memes and rip them apart.
1. Change is good.
Um … SOMETIMES change is good. Sometimes it’s bad. It really depends on what the change is. Example: Getting your head chopped off is definitely a change, but generally it’s not good. I definitely agree that it’s good to push ourselves, to go new places (literally and figuratively), try new things, and infuse your life with adventure, but this does not equate with a notion that all change is good just because it is change.
New Fortune Cookie Slogan: If you are upset about a change in your life, and telling someone about it, and they say, “Change is good.” It means that person does not care about what you are saying and just wants you to shut up. It is also used as a tool for manipulation. I have seen this a lot in the workplace. Paint the person asking questions about a change as a stick in the mud who is resistant to improving anything, rather than address anyone’s specific concerns about your particular stupid plan. So if someone says this to you, my advice is to walk away and go talk to someone else.
2. Live for today.
Why? Do we all turn into a pumpkins at midnight? Should we have no plan or long-term goals whatsoever? Should we completely ignore a lifetime of experience and the lessons and wisdom contained therein because it’s just not contemporaneous enough for the gurus?
I get that sometimes people get so bogged down in fears, obligations, and preparations that they never get around to accomplishing that for which they are preparing. I believe in spontaneity and the need, sometimes, to throw caution to the wind. I know we needed to move on from baggage from the past that no longer serves you. And I get that any of us could drop dead at any moment and shouldn’t continuously put off what matters to us. But “Live for today,” like most of these platitudes, oversimplifies in the extreme. It reduces a very nuanced concept that requires balance and attention to a three words. It single-phrasedly transforms what could have been a profound reflection on life into insipid diarrhea of the mind.
New Fortune Cookie Slogan: Pay attention to what you are doing. Choose a direction you in which you wish your life to go and work towards it, but remember to take time along the way to enjoy the moment.
3. Make time.
Oh I truly hate this one. It may make the least sense among all of these. “UM … I have decided that my day will now consist of 27 hours instead of 24.” Or perhaps it means this alternative but still farcical approach, “I have informed my employer that I will only be working 7 hours a day from now on, and I have informed my children that I will no longer be feeding them. Thank you.” And even if these things were possible and you get that 25th hour, there is no guarantee that by the time 25:00 rolls around you will have a shred of energy left to put towards whatever it was you wanted to do.
New Fortune Cookie Slogan: Manage your time effectively. Budget your time. Prioritize. And recognize that if there is something in your life that matters to you, something you wish to accomplish, then you will have to fight tooth and nail every day to make that happen. It will never be easy, and circumstances will never be ideal.
4. Focus on the positive.
It sounds fine and fancy, but the ugly flipside to this is “Ignore the negative.” This is not always a useful and effective approach. Life is not sunshine and lollipops just because you decide to only pay attention to those things. There are battles that need to be fought. There are evils that need to be overcome. We can’t always ignore what is wrong in our world. Sometimes you have to take the Negative, tear out its throat, slam it against the ground, and piss in its empty eye sockets. Just sayin’.
New Fortune Cookie Slogan: Don’t give up. Don’t fall into despair and surrender. If things are great, celebrate that with all your might. If things are not great, fight to your last breath to make them great again. And keep in mind: Eating shit is not a virtue.
5. Everything happens for a reason.
That’s sweet, but No. It. Does. Not. Children are not raped and murdered by the thousands every day to serve a higher purpose. Malnourished mothers are not watching their breast milk dry up as their infants dehydrate because God or the Universe wants to teach them some important lesson. It is up to us to give our lives meaning. It’s not just there automatically. And far too often this platitude is used as an excuse to make the intolerable seem somehow OK. Some things are not part of a master universal plan. Some things are empty, cruel, and wasteful. These are the things we need to change, fight, stop, resist. Do not go gentle into that good night because you imagine Jesus or Buddha or Carl Sagan will show up one day and explain to you why your child being kidnapped or your spouse getting cancer was such a great fucking idea–because it’s not, and they won’t.
New Fortune Cookie Slogan: Recognize that sometimes you win and that sometimes you lose, and that sometimes there is more to fight for than the mere possibility of winning. When you lose, suck it up as best you can and gird thyself for the next battle. Because it’s always coming.
